I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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