Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
