Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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