I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat