I'm gonna have a badass scar
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
