It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
