I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
