I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
