I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
