found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
