Midget sex pt 2 tonight
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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