i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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