someone threw a dead crab at me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
