Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
