Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
