I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
