I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
