Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
