There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
