My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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