I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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