Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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