I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
