i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
All the doctor said was why
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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