he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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