I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
