Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
