i barfeds in our rink
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I deserve this hangover.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
