if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
