How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
