just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am full of burrito and curiosity
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
