Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
