i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
