Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
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I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background