Sponge bath it is.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
