Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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