there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
