I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize