Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
