i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
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I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
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it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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