i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
