this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
