i need an iv and a liver transplant
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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