I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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