Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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