i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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