all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
