I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
