I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
