Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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