Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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