i jhust puked up my retainher.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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