when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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