Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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