my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
