Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
