90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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