I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
