I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
