mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
