dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
