how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
