Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
