Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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